February doesn't have enough days

Its February! Hooray...i have so much shit to do its ridiculous... I want to just take a break from it all; leave everything behind and come back to it. Why doesn't it work like that though? When you want to take a break, the whole world would cease cause you want it to--you need it to. But no, the truth about reality is if you leave for just a second and come back to it, it'll just add && stack up. Ugh, overwhelming!

My calendar's pretty full. My time, my thoughts.. fragmented, scattered. My self-esteem, my confidence.. my fucking english.. all doubtful.. am i making any sense anymore?

No, i Don't think so... lately, i've been questioning myself.. my life.. well actually, i try to question myself.. but i always end up stopping myself. Am i afraid to confront myself? Confront the many things i need to do? The many responsibility i'll be needing to take--to accept? ... To accept the fact that i'm 18 years old?!

I dont know if i'm lying when i reason that i can't fully confront myself and reflect on these questions because i dont have time. I never seem to have enough time.. enough time for friends, family, myself... school. Fuck school. I'm literally not doing well my senior year. Hah, best year ever? I dont know about that... what i consider as "best year ever" doesn't consist of bad grades, of stressful nights, of fights over petty little things with parents, of where to find people & who to hang out with--knowing that most of your friends have that period off & won't be there.. its like freshmen year all over again...but this time, you know that the end of high school is looming in.. nearer and nearer.. constantly being reminded through the daily announcements made by the student council...

I'm sleep deprived.. i haven't had a decent nights sleep in a while... and here i am typing away on this blogger thing... at 2 in the morning. I haven't even started my fucking research paper. hooray..

Scholarships.. i'm working on it! My parents think i'm an ungrateful child cause i'm not doing any scholarships. And the fact that i missed the FAFSA deadline for USF, well.. does that really prove to show how ungrateful and irresponsible i am?! i'm sorry, i was in the Philippines then.

But is that a legitimate excuse?! Whatever, parents are threatening me by saying that they'll send me off to Deanza; that's where i'll end up. Why does fuckin California have to be in such a huge deficit?! Man, stupid constitutional amendments are distorting our official's focus on whats fucking important. EDUCATION.

So much angst huh.. so much complaints.. teenage life? hahaha wow. Lets look on the bright side...

Wait, what is the bright side? I know i complain, but i promise.. i sincerely do!... when i say that i am enjoying myself... i love my friends, even though at times i feel out of place.. even though at times i feel i don't give them the same happiness and contentment they give me... or that i'm smart enough or pretty enough to be around them. FUCK INSECURITIES! i know right? I'm pmsing when i say that.. but then again, aren't girls like that? They have their own right minds... But back to my point, i'm graduating soon :[ and we'll be off our own ways. i dont want to think about it, but i sure as hell will miss them... alot.

Change change change. Time always changing every aspect of our lives..

Rant rant rant... man, i miss the Philippines.. the days there are longer and life there seems so simple. The only thing is, there's so much distractions there.. I dont know how i'd focus on my education if i go there.

My god, my cotillion is in a couple of weeks... i feel bad cause i feel like i'm hogging all the available dates for my cotillion from Mar and Yan. I'm sorry :[ But i just want it to be good... good enough for my invited guests.

I wish my mom was more compromising.

Lent is coming. I'll give up rice since my Aunt inspired me. She came over for dinner since we had hella left overs from eating out that day on my birthday. We were watching a video of my Grandma's last viewing day and funeral... and she said, "oh why does Roan look fat here? She looks fat here"
Are they so stupid not to realize that i have fucking feelings?! WHY ARE THEY SO IGNORANT?! I didn't tell her off, but i wanted to. Times like these makes me wish my cousin was here. i remember the old days when we would endure such things together. She would carry such heavy burdens with me. God i love her to death. Too bad she can't come to by debut, too bad financial shits the problem.

a;lsdkfjalskjg I hate that reason. Its so stupid. Money seems to be the issue. I hate how it always affects my family.. i dont even want to explain myself.

I'm tired. I need to rest. I'll tackle the rest of my concerns later. Its already 230 in the morning. I need sleep.

See what i mean by time? See what i mean by reflecting on things i dont have time for?!
So many things, I don't even know where to start? And look here, i'm blogging about it cause i can't organize and prioritize... yet i dont want to be dictated and told what to do.. but is it appropriate to let this be an exception?

Issues.

-Ro